To sleep, perchance to dream

I haven't been sleeping well for about a week. I get to sleep OK, then I wake up at 3/4am and can't get back to sleep until it's nearly time to get up for the day. Friday night was the worst. I lay in bed unable to relax. My heart was going crazy and thoughts swirled round my mind. I guess I was a little anxious about the kids Christmas party at work yesterday. I'm still quite new there and a lot of them are 'old timers' in the place. The company has been going since the 1980's and I'm there since February...

Anyway, I knew my little lady was going to find it difficult. She's not a fan of crowds or loud music and there's was lots of both. We spent most of the time up in the sales office, her sitting at my desk, taking sneaky trips downstairs to fill up on sweets. When she was suitably sugared up, we went back downstairs and I managed to talk her into going into Santa. She also got to pet the magician's rabbit (have no idea what happened in the show) and got two balloon animals. Result!

After the party we took a trip into to town to Roe River Books for her to pick which books she wanted for Christmas. It's one of our traditions. Santa brings the presents and I bring new pajamas and books. She chose three Diary of a Wimpy Kid books. She read a few from the school library, but they didn't have the whole collection. I actually wasn't aware how many there were. I also got her the next Harry Potter book. I read them to her because I wanted to read them too. We're almost at the end of Goblet of Fire. I had planned to get myself a book too, but I couldn't find anything I really wanted and Margaret Atwood's new book is still in hard back. I'm not a fan of hard back books, too clunky to read.

Last night we stuffed our faces with sweets and crisps gleaned from the party and watched Ralph Breaks the Internet. I dozed off on the couch during The Lego Movie and we eventually went to bed about 11.30pm (always late bedtime on Saturday, although it's not worth it with the grumpy head in the morning). 

I was up this morning at 8am doing laundry. Had to wake the little woman at 9 as we were catching a train to Belfast for the day with my mum. A bit of shopping and mulled wine later and we were home for more laundry, dinner, bath and bed. 

And there it was, my weekend. Blink and you've missed it. I miss the blissful days were I would drop her to school, go for a coffee and decide what to write. Those days are long gone. I needed money. I couldn't be a starving artist with a kid. So I work 9 to 5, Monday to Friday. I pay the bills. I go on holidays. I save as much as I can so that someday I'll have a place to call my own... but, I so desperately want to be a writer. I need to push myself harder. No more excuses. I can sleep when I'm dead.

Very complimentary graffiti in Clarke Train Station toilets

When you don't know what to do

Yes, I know I said I was moving to another place to write my blog, but I wanted to come back to something familiar. I had such big dreams for the new site and my new venture, but, as usual, it fizzled out. I lose interest in things quickly, probably the reason why I've never really excelled in anything. I wanted to. I had so many interests, HAVE so many interests. If only I could become an expert in one and make millions. Well, maybe not millions, just enough to be comfortable.

I am on my own again with Beth. After four years in a relationship, it's over and I am alone (well, not completely alone!). It's strange, like fitting into an old familiar glove. I get up, I rush around the house, get Beth to school and me to work. I come home, eat, do the usual mum stuff. Go to bed, wake up and do it all again. Nothing feels too different. Then Friday night comes and I'm standing in Tesco with my chest getting tight and tears threaten to fall. It's hard to breathe. I grab a bottle of wine, frozen pizza and go home. 

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not lonely or regretting the situation, but it's hard to push away the feeling that this is like everything else. This is another thing I didn't complete. There were plans to buy a house, maybe even extend the family. Now, it's back to two with no hope of owning a house or having another baby.

So, when you don't know what to do... when I don't know what to do... I write. I put personal feelings in a public forum. I make up stories about imaginary people, trying facial expression before putting them into words on a page (seriously, if anyone watched me while I'm writing I'd probably be hauled away to the funny farm). 

Here I am, a single mum again. Less than two years to 40 (oh God). 'Slightly' overweight. Underpaid (although not overworked, thankfully). Still wishing my dream of being a writer would magically happen. STILL not finished my third book (will it ever be done?). Drinking too much (sure it's almost Christmas). Mum to a ten year old beautiful ball of sass with a heart of gold. 

What will happen next? The possibilities are not endless, but they are plentiful.

Beth and me at our town square

Starting Again

I know it's been a while, but for anyone still following this page I'd like to re-direct you to my new website - www.thevegetarianmammy.com

I'll be updating the new page rather than using this blog so I hope you'll join me there!

At work, the diet is king

I work in a large open plan office. It can be difficult at times and if you have ever worked in an office you will know why, I am not going to spell it out here.

One good thing about working in a large office is that there is always someone with a new fad diet to try and company along the arduous journey to thin.

A few months ago, at the start of the year, a few of them got into this skinny tea/coffee phase. I think it was basically a laxative. It worked for some, but not all. One girl looked brilliant after doing it a few weeks, but I think she might have been starving herself too. Problem for me was that it was too expensive. I could not reconcile the cost when I could just eat less and get the same result. So that was a miss.

I thought about going back to weight watchers. It worked for me before and I always said I need someone to be on my case once a week if I am not losing. However, that’s another cost and I am doing my best to be good with my spending.

I have gotten into a smoothie buzz lately. The other half adds protein powder, but it does not agree with me, at all! So my general smoothie is:

Lots of spinach

Water

Banana

Chia seeds

Coconut oil

I have been taking this for breakfast most mornings for about three months now. I have gotten used to the taste, the majority of the time I do not grimace. I think I eat healthier now than I ever did in the past. I need to! I turned 35 this year. I have to look after this old body ;-)

So, the newest diet in the old workplace is the ‘no sugar’ diet. Like literally no sugar. Not even the naturally occurring sugar in fruit. It did interest me. I wanted something to spur me on and be really difficult for a while. One of the ladies at work does it for twelve days at a time.  Yesterday I was bemoaning how my coffee would taste if I did it. I usually take three teaspoons of sugar in my very strong coffee every morning. She told me it would not be too bad. I did not believe her. It wasn’t though. I tried a light coffee this morning without my sugar and it was grand, drinkable. However, I still had a banana in my breakfast smoothie and one before I started writing… so bold! We will see how long I last (not long, I suspect!).

Any takers on this crazy diet? No? Just me? OK then!

Here we go with the NaNo again!

Agh, so it really has been forever since I updated this blog!! I’m going to blame the full time job for everything… Of course, I could have stayed up late after Beth had gone to bed and wrote. I could have used the time when she was at her Dad’s better. I could have (should have?) done so much more, but I became lazy. Well, that and I met someone.

Yes, after many years of non-starter relationships and exhausting online dating, I finally met someone. I was beginning to think I would never find anyone I could put up with on a daily basis (or someone who would put up with me!) or someone I could relax and have fun with. I wasn’t too bothered. I was happy enough on my own with Beth as my shadow and constant companion. However, it wasn’t to be.

We met at my new job last July, but didn’t start dating until October of last year. It’s been a full year and he hasn’t run for the hills screaming, so that’s a plus.

Down side to new relationships is the weight gain! Too many nights having a few drinks, a cozy takeaway, a shared jumbo pack of Dorito’s, it all adds up and it leads me back to where I was six years ago with my weight. Time to swat away the oreos and jellies and get back to healthy living. I have two stone to lose. It’s a long journey ahead, for sure.

The reason I’m back, by the way, is that I have decided to jump head first into NaNoWriMo again. I didn’t even attempt it last year, I was involved in another SONG show. With that, the full time job, being a full time single mammy and a new relationship, I didn’t feel like I needed any extra pressure. However, this year, I am determined to use my time in the evenings for good, not evil (sitting on my butt in front of the telly until I go to bed). So I’m sitting at my kitchen table and hoping after writing this a new story will burst forth. Even if it doesn’t though, I will still have made a start and that’s good enough for the first day.

And just to remind people, no, I’m not writing about you! My stories are purely fictitious.

Ireland's Referendum

This Friday, May 22nd, those of age in Ireland will get to vote in a very important referendum, marriage equality. This will be the thirty-forth amendment to the constitution to mandate the provision of same sex marriage. You can read more about it here.

Since the announcement, I have been very adamant on how I am voting. When the No posters started going up around Dublin and then around my own town, I was disgusted. You see, the No campaign's argument, mainly, is that this proposed change will somehow be detrimental to children and the 'family unit'. They believe a child needs a mother and father to be happy. In posters, they have the tag line of "She needs her mother for life, not just for 9 months." So really, what they are saying is that a child won't be happy without a mother. In my opinion, this is horsesh*t.

I believe a good parent is a good parent regardless of sex. What a child needs is love and support. Just because I'm a woman does not mean I am more equipped to give this love and support than a male counterpart. Our hearts, male or female, are the same. As a woman, I do not have super powers that allow me to be a perfect parent to Beth. I make mistakes, her dad makes mistakes, our parents made mistakes with us. There is no manual for anyone and for me to stand up and say I know more about raising children than any same sex couple would be unbelievably arrogant and downright stupid. Parenting is a minefield, no one gets it completely right. We keep our kids happy and healthy as best we can, regardless of our sex.

In saying all that, I do believe there has to be balance in a child's life. Many of the No side might see that as being a male/female balance. The male/discipline and female/love. But, I see it more of a ying/yang balance. Being a single mother, I do have to be both sides of the coin. If I can do this (well, I attempt to), it can be said the same for same sex couples. Balance is needed, it's something I have to work hard at, something I fail at often, but if I can do it, see Beth needs that, then it stands to reason any same sex couple can do that too. I personally know same sex couples that would probably do a better job than me!

Another point, same sex couples can already be parents. This referendum would just be allowing them the same rights as a heterosexual married couple, therefore allowing them to be recognised and protected as a family unit. 

As it stands in Ireland, we have civil partnerships. The No side believe same sex couples should be happy with this. In my view, we are all the same and therefore should have the same rights. Why should gay members of our society be treated as second class citizens? 

On Friday, after I finish work, I will collect Beth and take her with me to the polling booth. I always take her with me when I am voting as I want her to see how important it is to make her voice heard, especially as a woman. I want her to see me voting yes, I want her to know we are all human and we deserve the same rights regardless of sexual orientation. If she came to me in ten years to say she was gay, how could I look her in the eye if I hadn't voted yes? How would I tell her I didn't stand up for her rights to be seen as equal to her heterosexual peers? 

This is going to be a very close vote. Probably as close as the Divorce Referendum of 1995. The No campaign then had the same argument about the 'family unit'. I was too young to vote, but remember the tag line of the No campaign "Hello divorce, goodbye Daddy." Ridiculous. But, it almost didn't pass. This is why it is so important for everyone to get out and vote!

Make your voice heard! Vote Yes on Friday!

Finally, Devil in the Clouds is live!

It's done, it's finally done! Devil in the Clouds is available on Amazon. It was an exciting weekend to get this up and running. It is off to a good start too! So, go join the queue for a great summer read.

Speaking of summer, temperatures are heating up here on the east coast of Ireland. Just in time too, as Vantastival is in less than two weeks. You can read about our experiences of last year here. Can't wait to shake out the tent and don the flowers in the hair. I'll be sure to write all about it here. I plan to see more music this year. Last year, Beth got her way more times than was necessary. I have her warned that she'll be going to more bands. I have a provisional list of who I want to see. They are:

Friday

Corner Boy

Elephant

Evil Presidentes

Saturday

The Flaws

Fierce Mild

Words That Burn

Sunday

Delorentos

Black Svan

Wood Burning Savages

Obviously, I want to see a lot more, but, with Beth, I have to divide my time between what's fun for her and what suits me. Vantastival is so handy as we live very close by. Only ten or fifteen minutes drive. So, we will camp out Friday and Saturday night. Then, I'll drop Beth with my Mum for a sleepover on the Sunday and come back out to Delorentos. Everybody is happy! Can't wait!