When you don't know what to do

Yes, I know I said I was moving to another place to write my blog, but I wanted to come back to something familiar. I had such big dreams for the new site and my new venture, but, as usual, it fizzled out. I lose interest in things quickly, probably the reason why I've never really excelled in anything. I wanted to. I had so many interests, HAVE so many interests. If only I could become an expert in one and make millions. Well, maybe not millions, just enough to be comfortable.

I am on my own again with Beth. After four years in a relationship, it's over and I am alone (well, not completely alone!). It's strange, like fitting into an old familiar glove. I get up, I rush around the house, get Beth to school and me to work. I come home, eat, do the usual mum stuff. Go to bed, wake up and do it all again. Nothing feels too different. Then Friday night comes and I'm standing in Tesco with my chest getting tight and tears threaten to fall. It's hard to breathe. I grab a bottle of wine, frozen pizza and go home. 

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not lonely or regretting the situation, but it's hard to push away the feeling that this is like everything else. This is another thing I didn't complete. There were plans to buy a house, maybe even extend the family. Now, it's back to two with no hope of owning a house or having another baby.

So, when you don't know what to do... when I don't know what to do... I write. I put personal feelings in a public forum. I make up stories about imaginary people, trying facial expression before putting them into words on a page (seriously, if anyone watched me while I'm writing I'd probably be hauled away to the funny farm). 

Here I am, a single mum again. Less than two years to 40 (oh God). 'Slightly' overweight. Underpaid (although not overworked, thankfully). Still wishing my dream of being a writer would magically happen. STILL not finished my third book (will it ever be done?). Drinking too much (sure it's almost Christmas). Mum to a ten year old beautiful ball of sass with a heart of gold. 

What will happen next? The possibilities are not endless, but they are plentiful.

Beth and me at our town square